Mutual Masturbation
Tips from myself and other sexperts in Women’s Health about how to make mutual masturbation satisfying.
Read the full article here or an excerpt of my contributions below:
Mutual masturbation is a sexy way to show your partner what you like while learning about what turns them on, too. "Being a good lover is being attentive to what your partner’s preferences are through communication and observation," says Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Colorado. "Mutual masturbation is a great way to jump start that process of learning your partner’s preferences."
Here's how to try mutual masturbation with a partner, according to sex therapists:
Chat about your reasons and interest beforehand.
The reason you're giving this sex act a try might change how you masturbate, explains Stray Conger. “If the experience is about showing your partner(s) what you like, it’s important to actually do what you typically would do during solo sex,” she says. “You might also want to be verbally descriptive about what you’re doing and allow for clear visuals.” If you're acting out a fantasy, though, you might want to switch up your routine, depending on what you and your partner think would be hot.
Consider bluetooth headphones for hands-free phone sex.
If you’re jumping on a dirty phone call with your significant other, think about using bluetooth headphones or earbuds for better sound and hands-free approach, Stray Conger says. You’ll obviously need your hands for, um, other reasons.
Gaze into each other's eyes.
Whether you’re engaging in mutual masturbation IRL or simply turning up the heat on your long-distance FaceTime calls, consider incorporating more eye contact into your sex sesh. It can be a “powerful aphrodisiac” and "an easy way to build [your] emotional connection,” explains Stray Conger. And there’s actual science behind this, too.
“The complex limbic system in our brain connects with our partner(s)’ limbic systems through eye contact, physical touch, and deep belly laughter, among other things,” she says. “Eye contact and other forms of limbic resonance decrease stress hormones and can enhance sexual arousal.”
Incorporate a little dirty talk.
All five senses play a role in arousal, notes Stray Conger. This means that auditory cues (like dirty talk) can seriously elevate a sexperience.
“A few choice words during sexual play can really rev up desire, and mutual masturbation can be a great time to experiment with dirty talk,” Stray Conger says. “Whether it's a whispered encouragement or a description of a fantasy, a little bit of vocalizing can go a long way towards turning up the heat.”
Use toys.
Sex toys can be a fun and explorative way to enhance the mutual masturbation experience. When in doubt, you should choose something you already own, love, and use, so as to not derail the mood as you attempt to find the right controls, notes Stray Conger.
Talk about it afterwards.
Ideally, you should be communicating before and after mutual masturbation, suggests Stray Conger. This doesn’t necessarily mean a long, in-depth conversation—unless that feels right, of course—but a “little feedback goes a long way,” she notes.
“Both verbally and non-verbally, let your partner know what you find hot. After, but not immediately after, circle back to check in about the experience,” she says. “If there was something you had questions about or that you didn't find so sexy, make sure you nestle the candid talk into praise and positive feedback, so that your partner doesn't feel shamed and will want to be adventurous again.” An example: I loved the way you touched me the other night, but I'm not sure the dirty talk we tried really worked. Maybe we could try something new next time?